Stoner Jokes

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Stoner Jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Apr 27, 2010 10:53 pm

Marijuana Jokes

1) There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"


2)"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"


3)A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."


4) A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"


5)So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."

"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."


6) This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"


7)A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!


8)A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"


9) A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."


10) A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!"
The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"


11)
Two stoners were sitting around smoking a bong. All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.
About half an hour later, the first stoner said, "Did you hear someone knocking, man?" Another half hour went by, and the second stoner said, "yeah, man, I heard someone knocking." Half an hour later, the first stoner said, "Do you think we should answer the door, man?" After another half hour, the second stoner said, "Yeah, you should go answer the door." So, half an hour later, the first stoner got up and answered the door. Forty-five minutes later, a third stoner said, "Man, you guys were fast."
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Re: Marijuana Jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Apr 27, 2010 10:57 pm

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A: Wave.

Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A: A pot belly

Q: What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.

Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?

Q:
What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.

Q:
What's the point of a weed wacker?
A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!

Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.

Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.

Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.

Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.

Q:
What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!

Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!

Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk guy and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: Screw it, we got lighters

Q. How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad?
A. I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!

Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.

Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A: Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.

Q. What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph, and talking to the upholstery.

Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A. The cop!

Q. Why did the stoner cross the street?
A. His dealer lived on the other side.

Q: What do a bad football team and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed!

Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.

Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb
A: Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!

Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes

Q. How do you get an one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A: Hold out a joint!

Q. What do you call someone who smokes up every day at 4:21?
A. chronically late.

Q:
What do you call a stoner epileptic?
A: Shake and Bake

Q.
What is a stoner's favorite kind of car?
A. A blazer.

Q. What do you call money that grows on trees?
A. Weed!
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Re: Marijuana Humor and Jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:58 pm

1) This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"


2) A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes." The stoner says, "I want a six-inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six-inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish? asks the genie. "I want a twelve-inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. "And the third wish?" "I want a twenty-inch joint!!" POOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."


3) There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.


4) A stoner went to a bar. He hadn't had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i don't get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why don't me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, i'm on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.


5) A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!" "Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"


6) OK, so... it's Jesus and he sees that planet earth is going down the drain and the reason is because so many people die because of something called... drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus... The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find Johnny boy?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called hash..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it to see what makes people like it..." he tries it and... he likes it! Then Paul comes with some cocaine... Jesus tries it and he likes that too!!! Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus is fucking stoned... He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile... "Sssooooo..... Judas, my brother" he says, "What did you bring?" Judas: "Err... I brought the cops..."


7) These 2 guys are chatting: Guy One: "I love to smoke hash." Guy Two: "Yea me too, but I heard it causes short term memory loss." Guy One: "I've never seemed to have any problem with that." Guy Two: "A problem with what?"


8) A stoner walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich .............. $1.50|
| Chicken Sandwich ............. $2.50|
| Hand Job .................... $10.00|
---------------------------------------

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"


9) A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice.
About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" booms a voice.
"The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole.
"There's no fish there, either!" booms the voice. The stoner shouts, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!"


10) A stoner walks into a store n asks the clerk how much for the t.v. in the window??
The clerk says "I dont sell to potheads." the stoner leaves n comes back a week later n asks how much for the t.v. in the window?? the clerk says "I dont sell to Potheads." The stoner leaves n comes back a week later n asks again how much for the t.v. in the window?? The clerk says "I already told you, I dont sell to potheads." The stoner says "how do you know im a pot head??" The clerk says "because thats a microwave!!"


11) A Cop pulls over a car full of stoners. The cop goes up to the car and the driver rolls down the window and the cop said '"Congratulations! You have won two thousand dollars for wearing your seat belt!"
The driver says, "Oh, I thought you pulled me over for not having a license!" Then the driver's girlfriend says, "Don't mind him, he's just stoned." Then a friend in the back seat says, "I thought you pulled us over for this pound or weed over here!" Then another friend from the back says, "I thought you pulled us for this stolen car!"
Then the cop hears someone in the trunk say, "Are we over the border yet man?"


12) Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
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Re: Stoner Jokes

Post by wgToonces » Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:45 am

Cool man, will read when I'm vegetated 8)
:scratchs:

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Re: Stoner Jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:23 am

1) A stoner is standing in front of a pop machine when a man walks up behind him. The stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, then takes the pop out and sets it on the ground. Again, the stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, and takes the pop out of the machine to set it on the ground. This goes on for about 5 minutes before the man waiting to get something to drink says,
"What the HELL are you doing?!?"
The stoner turns around and says,"Duh! I'm WINNING!"


2) There's an Aggie, a Yankee, and a stoner stranded on a deserted island.
A genie suddenly appears and grants each of them a wish. The Aggie says, "I wish I was in Hawaii surrounded by beautiful women." POOF!! He was granted his wish.
Next, the Yankee said, "I wish I was home surrounded by piles and piles of money!" POOF!! His wish was granted.
The stoners turn was next. So he looks around, realizes he is alone, and says with a bewildered look, "I wish my friends were back." POOF!!


3) Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath." He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it.
The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it.
The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?"


4) U know the one ehn cicken and hare go smoking?
Bugs rolles a joint, they smoke it, he asks the chicken:
-Man, u feal anything?
-Nasing...
So the rabbit rolles a bigger one...
-Man, this was a good one. U feal anything?
-Nasing...
Rabbit goes loco. Chick is a first timer and doesn't get a kick from HIS super weed! So he rolles the rest of a pack in one big fuckin joint, and they smoke it.
-NOW do u feal anything!? I'm totaly wasted.
-Nasing... Wings, beak, legs..... I feal nasing


5) The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:
"Hey Koala, what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint.
Come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry
and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to see this, and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.
He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says...
"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude.......
How much water did you drink?


6)
Why do potheads like Jesus? He got stoned.

Who is the pothead’s favorite Confederate general? Stonedwall Jackson

What’s the pothead’s favorite level of education? High school

What do potheads and arthritis have in common? They both flame up joints.

Who is the Potheads’ favorite astronaut? Buzz Aldrin

What do potheads and potatoes have in common? They both start with pot, and end up getting baked.
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Re: Stoner Jokes

Post by Weedguru Higher » Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:13 am

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday this is all a lie will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."


This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"


These 2 guys are chatting: Guy One: "I love to smoke hash." Guy Two: "Yea me too, but I heard it causes short term memory loss." Guy One: "I've never seemed to have any problem with that." Guy Two: "A problem with what?
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